You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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