my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
