On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
