I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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