tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
