I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
