Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
