i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
MIDGETS
????
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize