I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
