yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you win again, gameday.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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