Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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