even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
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