i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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