I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
