If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
