I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
