did you get engaged???
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
