apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
