I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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