A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
