When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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