New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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