Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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