you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
