I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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