I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Oh god it's open bar.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
