Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
