hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
