So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
