mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
