I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
