she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
