We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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