Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
