Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
