in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
