So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Randomize
