i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
