plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
