There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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