Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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