At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
