dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
