Don't you send me to vm
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
