Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
