i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
