Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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