I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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