I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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