Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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