I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
