she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
