I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
