god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my poor anus
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
