i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
