my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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