im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
